Chapter 5

“ Dear Nate

How did i go from being a happy, full of life girl to this?  When did the light become darkness, when was the happiness drained from me? How did i come to be this ball of depression constantly harming herself with words,pills and loneliness? You are not coming back,  my head has accepted that but my heart throbs at the thought of you not breathing and not being around for me to experience forever.  

How does life become better after death for the rest of us left behind?  How do i erase your existence?  How do I move on?

Your doll

Bless”

I was woken up in the middle of the night with severe abdominal pains, i couldn't feel the lower part of my body, my eyes were burning up and everything around me was blurry. I tried to get out of the bed to crawl to the bathroom and get water but vomit filled my mouth when i tried to get up. I immediately swallowed the vomit so that my body doesn't try to detox itself from the pills. Tears started pouring from my eyes, the pain was unbearable but living with myself would hurt me more than this, so i was going to withstand this pain until i stop breathing.

Eventually i managed to crawl to the bathroom, I grabbed more medication and water and just drank in an attempt to speed  the process up.I had no idea what pills i was taking or what their effect was but the pain was a clear indication that i was close to achieving me goal. 

Me and Gabriel had started communicating via video chat a few days ago. It was this amazing app that was automatically set to call the other person at a certain time and you could also set it to answer automatically, and that's what I had done weeks ago so Gabriel could wake me up if I snoozed on the bed or study table. The app automatically called Gabriel at 01:30am, that's the time we usually said our good nights.

I tried to crawl very fast from the bathroom to terminate the call but halfway through i started feeling dizzy, in and out of consciousness so moving was hard and with every movement the pain increased... I grabbed one of my dirty sock on the  floor and put it in my mouth to scream so my parents don't wake up. I hadn't realize that Gabriel had answered the chat but I couldn't see his face on the screen,  probably because of the pills, I tried crawling towards it still but I failed and after awhile I passed out.

I was woken up in the bathroom with someone’s fingers in my throat screaming “What did you drink?”, I cried and pleaded for them to let me die, I yanked the hand out of my mouth and the person just kept on putting it in again and again and I couldn't fight it anymore. I vomited everything out and they gave me some mixture to drink to take the medicine out. I saw a razor that I use for my eyebrows on the floor and I screamed,  “Please let me die, im begging you, don't save me”.  I grabbed the razor and slit my wrist and I heard a strong manly voice shout “ I’m not going to let you die, I love you Bless, I can't let you die, Let me help you save yourself”

I turned to see who was behind me talking and he pulled me in taking the razor from my hand before i could do cut myself deeper and he said “I love you, hold on” i just held onto him crying, sobbing, bleeding wondering how he could be here,he was supposed to be dead.

" Save me from myself 
From this sorrow that fills me up
Drag me out of bed and force me to smile 
Force me to love myself 
Force me to move on 
Save me from myself 
Sing cheerful melodies to make my heart warm
Bring me sunflowers to brighten my day 
Send me on a wild goose chase for your heart
Oh dear,  Save me from myself 
Put a ring on me and call me yours 
Wake me up with a kiss each morning 
Save me from myself "