Chapter 6

I was put to sleep by my parents and it felt like I had slept for days. When i woke up, I heard my parents bickering. My father wanted me to be checked into a depression and suicide clinic, but my mom insisted that it would only encourage me. After 18 years of marriage I had never heard my parents fighting, or shouting they had always spoken things through by having a family meeting or by just praying about it. But now, my mom didn't even want to hear anything that came from my father's mouth. I was tearing my 'perfect' family apart and I didn't care but, seeing my parents at it made me wonder if their marriage would survive my death.

I coughed for them to notice that I was awake. They immediately stopped talking and my mother wiped her tears and announced she was going to the shops. My father quickly grabbed her by the  arm and said, “Your daughter is up, the least you can do is talk to her not run away.” My mother just got loose of his grip and walked towards the door.  My father then came to my side and held my hand and said “ What is this really about princess?” I looked at him and replied “ Where did Nate go?” My father gave me a forehead kiss with disappointment and guilt in his eyes and said “ I’ll bring you something to eat to gain back your strength”

For the whole week my mom said nothing to me, she walked around the house as if she was in mourning. She was always crying, screaming and constantly cleaning for the past week. My father tried to speak to her but she would flip a switch each time my name came up.  Eventually my father decided to have me admitted to the Clinic and for them to pick me up. When the van got to the house they came to my room my father had packed a bag for me and he handed it to the guys, he had even gotten me a tutor so i don't fall behind at school.  

My mom came back from work early that day and saw me being helped up by 2 guys in blue uniform, she marched into the room and demanded for everyone to get out the room. My father tried to hold her back and explain to her that it was best for me this way. But, my mom chased the guys out still and shut the door. It was just me, my father and mother in the room. My mother cried and quickly unpacked the bag,she started apologizing.I looked at her and said “Mom I'm okay, I'm sorry”,She turned and said “No you are not sorry, you are selfish…. I am your mother, why can't you come to me and tell me you're drowning, why couldn't you tell me you're struggling? Am I not your mother? I love you!... and you choosing to kill yourself means what exactly?Do I not protect you? 

Why is it hard to come to me as your mother?  I carried you in my belly, I loved you when you were still nothing, you are my joy and the other night you almost took that away from me.” I pulled away from her and said, “ Where’s Nate, he was here tell him I need to talk to him” I  then stood up and told my father I was ready to leave with the professionals that had come to pick me up.  My mother grabbed me and said “Nganakati Baloyi, You are going to die do you understand that?  Do you understand death?  You're going to die” And in that moment I realized that I had tried to kill myself, I mean I knew obviously but I didn't know. For me suicide was like a door to less heartache, less people, it was an escape route and I could somehow come back from and start living again but, when my mom said it, I finally understood the depth of what I tried and failed to do.  I wasn't going to see Nate even in death because hell was what was waiting for me. 

This was the first time in years that my mom ever showed or told me she cared but I was depressed before I met Nate, before he even died. I attempted to transfer the pain to someone else. I stared at my mother then said “ Look at me Mom, look at the pain in my eyes, look at this face, who could ever look at this and feel emotional at the feet of beauty, fulfilled by the stride of each molecule placed in perfect sequence? Who would look at this face Mom?Who would get pleasure by looking at it? Look at this small petite body I have, everyone pity’s the lack of meat, curves on it,the lack of stretch marks But, Nate looked at it and felt proud, he looked at me with love. I felt love for the first time and not inadequate,pity or shame. I loved what he saw in me even when i didn't see it. He made flowers grow in a very dark unloved soul. Who is ever going to look at me with such pride. I tried to put makeup on, I tried all these diets to make myself bigger but it all failed. Everything failed. Everything thing except being invisible.”

“Oh my Princess ”,my mom said as she grabbed a mirror and said “ You are never going to look like everyone else, people will make fun of what you have,of what you look like no matter what you look like. Look at this mirror, if you don't love yourself no one else will. Nate saw it because he was just like you, he had the same demon whispering in his ear that his not enough, He was the most popular person, straight A student, Best rugby player and captain. Girls threw themselves at him but when he saw you he recognized his pain in you,  he didn't make you better it just seemed better not to suffer alone, You need to let it go baby girl or else you won't see people who love you like Gabriel.” I fell into my mom's arms and said “Did Gabriel save me? Is he who I thought was Nate?” and she just kept quiet till I fell asleep.