Chapter 4

“Maybe just maybe, your hero will knock on the door and offer to save you”.

I heard a knock on the door early Saturday morning and since I was alone I ran to go and open it. My parents told me that they were expecting a package to arrive today so I thought it might be the postman.  

As I opened the door I immediately looked down to see if indeed it was the package, I wasnt expecting anyone to be standing there. After realizing that there was no package, I asked the person standing there what he wanted and then I looked up.It was Gabriel from the housewarming party, I had not realized how insanely handsome he was that day. I mean he didn't compare to Nate, but dzammm!! Brother got it going on. His skin tone was very fair, Had a mini afro going on that looked like it was properly taken care of. He was wearing one of those muscle shirts that exposed his muscles- His probably a gym freak- and skinny jeans. His height was perfect i'd probably tip toe to hug him (I love that,  I used to tip toe when Nate would hug me, he called me a ballerina because i loved it so much)

He was holding my favorite ice-cream in his hand, this kind of reminded me of the time when I won an award for the best song rendition at the talent show a few years ago and Nate knocked on my door early in the morning holding 2 blueberry cheesecake ice-creams and from that day it became my favorite.

I could see Gabriel's mouth moving but I had no idea what he had just said so I asked “ Is that for me? “. He then replied and said yes. We sat on the porch and he continued speaking but I had no idea what he was saying because this moment felt like a kiss from Nate. Halfway through the ice-cream I noticed that there was this awkward silence and that he might be waiting for me to say something so I put my ice cream down and said “ Listen Gabe, can I call you Gabe? People cry every day I was just very overwhelmed so you don't need to feel sorry for me and bring me ice-cream.  I'm okay and I don't need a pity party. I can handle that all on my own”. He turned and stared at me then giggled and said “No, call me Gabriel, and that's not what I asked you, I asked if you would like to take a walk, there's this amazing view of the city I’d like you to see and since you are new here, you might want to explore your new home”.

This guy. Where did he come from? It's like I got a second chance to relive moments of me and Nate, We used to take walks to the 'ghetto',  as I would call it, (and it was a complete yet beautiful disaster) I stood up and said to Gabriel “ No, o have things to do in the house maybe next time?”, Going would somehow feel like I was cheating but Gabriel wasn't the take no for an answer guy because he just looked at me,stood up and held my hand than walked.

**

For the past couple of weeks Gabriel and I would see each other every other day, and I was experiencing everything me and Nate did- just a better version of it. It was like every memory I had of Nate was being replaced with an improved, alive version. I even stopped writing letters because they would remind me that he is gone.

We went jogging this one night and whilst deep in conversation I said “ You see Nate, I'm faster than you” he immediately stopped and said “what did you say Bless?” I replied, "I said I was faster than you." We were already by the hill when he sat me down and asked me “Bless who is Nate?” I looked down and mumbled Nate as I got a flash of his face in my head. I immediately stood up and said, "let's go, I'm starting to feel cold" and Gabriel pulled me in and said “what happened to him Bless, why were you crying and screaming out his name at the housewarming party?”

A very uncomfortable amount of tears flooded my eyes and I said “ He died, Now let's go before it gets cold".And immediately I ran back home in a sprint. Honestly I wasn't going to discuss Nate to Gabriel, or with anyone, I had never actually spoken to anyone about how he died or about him in general, I just always wrote letters to Nate. I mean who do you speak to when your best friend passes away? I was robbed, of a future with the only person who understood the word pain, someone took away my chance to be happy, someone took away my forever so now Im floating through life hoping to get hit by a bus... or a truck, so I can be with Nate. I can't wait any longer. When we got to my house Gabriel looked at me trying to catch his breathe and said "Bless, you can talk to me" and I screamed " I WANT MY FOREVER!!" Gabriel grabbed me in his arms and just let me cry there, now more than ever I appreciated that there was another human with me when I broke down. I appreciated that he didn't ask about Nate the day of the housewarming when he heard me cry but I also realize that he might have more questions now.

I walked into the house and went straight to the shower still in tears. After showering I was convinced that God was ignoring my prayers, I so desperately wanted to die. I have been praying for that for more than a year now, but still he filled my lungs with oxygen, he woke me up every morning to this mockery of a life i live, I didnt  want it anymore so in an attempt to be my own maker, I went into the medicine cabinet and drank everything I saw in sight and went to bed. I was dead as of now.

People would mourn for me. But I would be free, I would be in the arms of my beloved, so I hoped.

"Oh dear death
Take me captive
Let my lungs collapse
Drain the blood from my veins
Suck the oxygen out of my body
Shut my eyes for eternity
Oh dear death,
Take me captive
Force humanity to cry
To write obituaries and analogies in my name
Let them build me statue of depression
A declaration of love in my name
Let them feel the pain that haunts me each day
The weight of a burden never lifted
Tears that have run their race now
Let them feel death
Wear them out
Oh dear death,
Take me captive
Make me your prisoner and i will forever be loyal
Oh dear death,
Take me to my maker "