Chapter 11

I didn't know who to talk to about Gabriel s uncle who would understand me. Who would share the same feelings as I did but than it clocked. The woman who lost her son and husband, Nates mother would understand. I called her via Skype, I hadn't seen her In a long time, she was wearing a khaki shirt and had shaved her head bald. She was probably culturally still mourning for her husband and kid or something like that.

I told her that I found out that Nates killer was out on parole and how I was planning to fight it and get him thrown back to jail. I spoke with such faith and such passion, I had no idea what the procedure was or how some could break their parole and be sent back but of Nates mother agreed with me than I would find out and have motivation to carry me though. I had been so drained and so upset it was amazing speaking to the one person who knew and understood what loosing Nate meant. She looked at me through the screen and said " Whatever God has in store for him, it shall happen, Bless, What goes around comes around and when it's his turn he will feel the wrath". I looked at her with disbelief, that broken expression on my face was coming back. I had just been torn to pieces, how can she trust karma at a time like this, how can she trust God of he gave us the might of power to get off their asses and do something about it. I ended the chat after staring at her for about 2 minutes hoping she's laugh and say she's joking. It was clear that I was on my own, the way I always was.

" Oh lost and Lonely heart,
What do you seek?
What do you desire?
Is it the weight of Gold to make your dreams arise?
Is it justice in the courts?
Is it freedom?
Or just a simple smile?
Oh lost and Lonely heart,
What have you done to your wings?
What have you done to your smile?
What have you done?
Cried yourself to sleep?
Self medicating till you pass out?
Carry hate and anger within you?
Oh lost and Lonely heart,
Be found again
Live again
Breathe again
Smile again
My lost and lonely heart"

I buried my head in my pillow and thought of how this was going to be difficult. I hated that I had to hear his name and be updated on his life each day, I didn't want to talk about him, I didn't want to think about him but it makes it hard when everyone around you keeps his name at the tips of their tougues. No one else was going to show up and protect me from this vulture, I had to save myself.

I spent the couple of months finding out about parole violations etc, eventually I gave up. You'd would think the internet had all this information but it didn't, and I didn't want anyone to know so going to the prison personally wasn't an option. Self medicating became my closet friend, closing my eyes became on of the things that was difficult, closing my eyes without seeing my boyfriends murderer. I started with one pill but eventually ended up taking 4 pills so I'm knocked out instantly.

My life is not my own. When will I start living? When will I breathe in peace and exhale happiness? What was my ultimate justice?

Gabriel showed up to my house looking like he had been dragged through hell and back. I took one look at him, unable to speak, actually I had no energy for his nonsense today and I banged the door in his face. He opened it and walked right into the house straight to my room. " Bless, his dead". I stared at him, I could feel my whole body getting hot. I was numb, my ears were numb. 
Gabriel grabbed me and kissed me. I couldn't pull away because his hands were behind my back. Than he said " you need to forgive, you are walking around with so much bitterness that you can't be a human for a second".
Arghhh Gabriel must just go home and prepare the grave for his uncle.

I kept on thinking about forgiveness and how I'm expected to dine with abusers, murders and all sorts of filth in the name of forgiveness. I wont allow it to happen, I don't care who labels me as bitter.

*****

When I woke up in the morning I saw tents being put up. I don't know why it was at Gabriel's house because that was the uncle's place. Tom that was the uncle's name. I finally got around to being able to say his name. Nates Murderer. I could see all the preparations from my house, I don't know why family members insist on speaking loudly on the phone, I heard one uncle say " kgomo e Kae? Batho ba tlo ja Eng?" ( "Where's the cow? What are people going to eat?". 

My parents disappeared and I found myself alone. I sat in the TV room, all the windows dimmed, all doors locked. I sat on the couch and cried, the kind of cry that comes from the depths of my soul, the loud squeeky awkward one. I sat on that couch for two days and cried my eyes out. Now my life could begin, justice was done. Thank you Lord!! Asante!!