Chapter 2

Spring time was upon us the sun shined so bright I didn't need an alarm to wake me up because the light would shine directly on my face every morning, the flowers blossomed and were beautiful in just being themselves.This was the lemonade season, the everyone has a smile on their face season.

It was apparent that morning, when i heard a lot of voices downstairs, my nose instantly smelt a combinations of foods being cooked,I could hear my grandmother's loud pitched voice arguing about placemats. There was this immediate ambiance in the house, there was this joy that seemed to fill the corridors, today was the day of the house warming,I was finally going to meet the neighbors and our relatives could see where we moved to.

I covered myself back up with the  duvet and took a long deep breath and said to myself “just smile , you can do this”.

I got up immediately after that and made my bed and hopped into the shower. Today I need to look like those women who are forever smiling, those ones who no matter what happens, they are happy. I call them happy junkies and today I was a “happy junkie”

I opened my wardrobe wide, I need look like my life is together but my wardrobe consisted of black clothes and that wouldn't be convincing enough that I’m happy, It's not because I was “mourning ” that I only  wore black, but black meant I faded away, I didn't stand out and people could hardly notice me. Today however, I need to put on a show, I need everyone to think they want to be as happy as me, I need to be noticed. I pulled out a box from under the bed, it had dresses I used to wear that I wanted to give away but never really got the chance. In the box was a yellow midi dress which was perfect for what I wanted to do.

I wore it with brown sandals, red lipstick (I wanted to appear bold) and brushed my afro in a neat bun. I was ready for the day, I was ready to pretend, I was ready for spring.

When I got downstairs guests were already arriving,my mom took a glimpse at me and let out a shout/scream and just pulled me into her arms and said “you look like my daughter”,she turned to announce that  I was downstairs and my aunts, grandmother started pounding me with questions. My younger cousin Adisa blurted out “ I'm glad you are out of that Nate Phase, and that you’ve accepted that he is  dead. So is there anybody new? “

My heart broke a little but I turned and smiled and said “Adisa you're so silly, are you done making the salad?” and then I picked up the bowls and went to the other room to place them on the table so people can dish up.

The house got packed very fast and I just went around greeting, shaking hands, giving hugs, directing people, dishing up for people, cleaning spilt wine and juice, drying dishes and another cousin, Themba, who had a history of being an ass said “ So now you're done seeking for attention? Your whole Nate dying thing isn't working for you anymore? You are so pathetic Bless, you were sad because you wouldn't get laid anymore, this is the world, stop acting like a princess!” I made a 360 turn and looked him dead in the eyes and said “ Your own life is so pathetic you need to prey on other people, if you were half the person Nate was maybe people would bother to learn your name, maybe one of your bastard kids would acknowledge you as their father and not be ashamed at your existence. Being a princess means people know and respect my existence- And next time the name Nate comes out of your mouth let it not be next to me because i will mess you up!” I turned and went straight to my room and just broke down into tears on the floor,I screamed out Nate's name continously, it felt like I was removing a knife from my stomach. I pulled myself together and fixed myself up “just a few more hours, everyone will be gone, just smile and pretend” I said to myself still teary eyed. As I walked out I  heard a loud noise from the bathroom and went to go open the door. A dark skinned guy, with the most beautiful kinky hair I've ever seen, stood before me amazed and speechless. He was so well put together, clean, with an intoxicating scent. His dark brown eyes stared down at me, crowned by his eyelashes that made it seem as though they were smiling at me. He opened his mouth to speak I presumed but, I stormed out of the room and back yo the party really fast and didn't hear a thing he said. 

 I was over this day, I was over people's faces, I was done pretending,I give up on living, I’m done, I just want the oxygen to be sucked out of me.

Dear Nate 

" I have no spring in me, I have no blossoming flowers, I have no laughter in me. I have nothing. For me it's always dark and dry,  Every morning it feels like I'm loosing you all over again. I keep creating memories of us but they fade into thin air because you aren't here anymore. I cry my heart out each day and ask why I even had to meet you in the first place? Why did you have to say hi to me? Why did you ask me out to coffee? Why did I fall inlove with you? And well the question that haunts me the most is why you had to die? Why did you let us attend the funeral and mourn for you? Why did you have to be so selfish Nate???? I can't do this life thing without you, I can't keep faking it.... Tell God to come for me too, tell him to come get me tonight. You better tell him Nate because I can't do this anymore

Love Blessing"