Chapter 1

I have always struggled with depression,  I would isolate myself from the whole world, sit in my room and just cry my eyes out wondering when my happiness would come. I have never had friends, if I did have a friend it was for a certain purpose like a school assignment or to get a lift to somewhere when I needed it (horrible I know but hey,it happens) I was basically alone in the world and no one noticed I was lost and drowning. Nate was my pill, he made everything better, he understood every emotion and loved me unconditionally. Now that he is gone, I’m back to my spiral of depression again. Everything has suddenly gone dark in my life and now everyone can see it. My parents take me to the psychologist twice every week but, nothing has changed its the same old pain. The psychologist, Charmaine, talks about my childhood and past events but keeps deflecting because she can't bring my love back no matter how many times I explain how I feel she couldn't help me, no one could; but since my parents were convinced it would help I come every week.

Each day for 5 seconds when I wake up everything  is perfect. When my eyelids part the sun shines on them perfectly, the birds sing a sweet melody but,after that 5 seconds reality sinks in that it’s not. It's like my heart is being gutted out viciously every morning. It feels like death each day.

That specific morning my parents sat me down and told me that we were moving to a different town because they thought it would be easier for me if I’m in a new enviroment with new possibilities. They told me that we were moving the next day and they didn’t tell me earlier because they didn’t want to make it seem like I had a choice.

“Dear Nate
Even if I would forget the memory of you, I’d always carry you in my heart not knowing it's you.
Even if they would strap me up in a strait jacket I’d still advocate for my love to you.
Distance from the place where the memories I carry of us were formed will not stop me from remembering us.
I know wherever I go you are there because I am there. I'm not going to fight to stay because the pain grows every day, the weight of my love for you weighs down everyone who still lives and cares for me. You’re still my life size teddy bear and I am still your lullaby and voice even in a different city.
I miss you and Iove you forever and always.
Love your doll
Blessing”

I packed everything in boxes and marked them from fragile, most important to the least important. I marked one box “DON’T TOUCH, DON’T OPEN’’ that was the box with the few pieces I had left of Nate. I didn’t want anybody else fiddling with it, I refused to put it in the moving truck but, I just wanted to sit with it in the car. Love makes people look crazy; it leaves huge holes in your life that are too big to repair. It totally obliterates everything,I was going crazy and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like sewing one part of my life together and restoring it only for it to bleed from 10 more sides. Insanity thats what i call it.

The new house was beautiful and on a hill. It had this huge gate which everyone called " Mind your own business"  because none of the neighbors could attempt to see the house or whats happening because of how high the walls were. Considering that I'm the only child this house was big, it had 5 bedrooms, a nice backyard with a pool and a cottage. My room was painted crimson white, I had a king size bed with black bedding. On the wall there was a quote hung up that read "Your beautiful", My parents had put pictures of me and Nate in frames and put the pictures in my room. Even after he was gone I could feel his presence each time I entered into the room. I loved my parents they understood me and knew exactly how to make me happy each time. It's not always about gifts.

I started school 3 weeks later, it was pretty amazing to be in a place where I could create new memories when I was ready to, a place where no one would stop me every 5 seconds and ask me how I was doing, or that they sorry for my loss. Here I was a brand new person with the same old bleeding heart. Here I could pretend Nate is still around just living in a different town, which was true, to some extent, he lives in a rectangular box buried 6 feet under in a town 10 hours from me. Here, I could tell my new class mates stories about us as if they happened yesterday, as if you’re still alive. I could live a lie, trying to keep us alive, but I didn’t. All that the people at school knew was that my name is Blessing Nganakati Baloyi, who lives on the hill and loves men’s cologne.I could drown in silence and no one could know, No more questions of "how am I coping" or random flowers with cards written "it gets better with time". I know all these people meant well but now it should just stop.

A few months passed and I seemed to be making it, I found a way to ignore the pain by keeping busy. I had joined 5 different activities at school, Swim team, Hockey team, Chess team, Reading team and the Debate team. Whenever I got angry or missed Nate I would hit the ball so hard, or just dive deep into the water and it seemed to numb the pain.

"Dear Nate
I'm on life support, if the mechanisms I use to cope would all switch off would I be by your side again?
The sun shines and the birds sing a beautiful song for a few more seconds every morning.
They sing a song of happiness that doesn't remind me of you but, it makes me long for a place I want to be instead, by your side.
This is what life is now………………
Living for 10 seconds of un-promised happiness.
I love you always and forever
Blessing"