Chapter 10

"One lie is enough to kill all truths"

I heard voices bickering; I heard doors opening and then I smelt a very familiar scent. I carefully opened my eyes and there my mother was, everyone was surrounding me. I felt suffocated, I felt hovered over. I felt naked. My mother kept on screaming and asking Gabriel and his parents what happened. They said nothing, but I saw it in their eyes, I saw the lies they tried to hide, I saw the smiles they tried to push forward, I saw how they tried painting me as a crazy person. I saw murderers,the whole bunch of them. Why would you dine with a killer? Why would you invite the angel of death into your home?

I said nothing, everyone stood still when they saw my eyes were open and I was moving trying to get up. My mom helped me up and we walked out heading home, leaving  them with their whispers.

It has been a month since then and I haven't said a word. I lost my speech completely because honestly what was the point of speaking if I wasn't going to be heard, if nothing was going to be done? It was a futile exercise that I refused to engage in anymore. My mom would speak and I'd just listen, Gabriel would speak and I'd just listen. That's all I did for the past month listen to lies and fake " we care, tell us what's wrong" from people. How pathetic !! I won't fall for that trick again! Remember when I told everyone how I felt after Nate's death and they looked at me and said nothing!? They did nothing! Arghhh pathetic !!

I often went to the pool area and dipped my feet inside, with the rest of my body looking up towards  the stars, I felt empty. I felt like there was nothing left inside me, I had nothing to give to myself. It is weird how everyone is so pleasant and feels better around me, how I'm a shoulder to cry on for them, but I was empty. I tried filling myself up by helping people, I tried talking when something bothered me but the words wouldn't come out. I try writing it down but the pages stay exactly how I feel - empty.

I remember as a kid I used to watch the stars and talk to God about life. I miss that part of me. Now I negotiate with God about my death.

Gabriel came over to my house often. This specific day he came to "Check on me", isn't it funny, the guy that's housing Nate's murderer is checking up on me. For what? On this day specifically, he came to vent about his uncle- the murderer. He started getting emotional telling me about how sick his uncle was getting, and how he was stressed because if he dies they couldn't claim his body because blah blah blah. Can you  believe this guy!? Crying to me that the person who killed Nate is dying? Let that motherfucker die! I want to dance on his grave, I want to get a designer dress and stroll to his gravesite with a marching band. I want to see him choke on his own spit as he sleeps. I hope he gets haunted by images of Nate each night as he battles with whatever is killing him. I looked at Gabriel, gave him a huge hug and said " There's a time and place for everything, time to cry and time to laugh. Time for birth and time for death. He will get better don't worry". He looked at me and said "What would I do without you?". I laughed a little on the inside, I honestly couldn't believe he was so comfortable coming to me with this nonsense like who am I? Jesus who died on the cross? Arghhh everyone was just pathetic!

There's nothing that would soothe my heart better than death. God had to kill one of us because earth is not big enough for the both of us. Nobody cared how I felt, even my family splashed Gabriel's uncle's name all over the house and smeared it against the walls. I woke up to his name and went to bed to his name. Death would be the biggest act of love I had ever felt from above. "Bless me with this blessing" I prayed every night.