Chapter 9

As I walked into the park entrance, I saw Gabriel sitting on one of the benches. There was a light right above him that shined like a halo surrounding his body. My heart started beating faster, I re-applied my lipstick, straightened my hair (well if touching it a few times qualifies). I forgot how to walk, what? "Just walk" I kept telling myself over and over again.There are  parts of me that light up like a Christmas tree each time he's around. I got to the bench and sat down next to him. He didn't look okay. In fact, he hadn't said anything sarcastic or laughed in ways that made his eyes light up like he usually would have by now. He seemed numb, timid, not himself.

"Gab we have been sitting here for the past 20 minutes and you keep drifting, what's wrong?". Gab just stared at the sky and said, " I sometimes wonder if stars are ever worried about falling from the sky, if they ever bothered about not shining bright or not being seen. Life just seems perfect and bright". After that we sat in silence for another 20 minutes or so. It became a little windy so I tucked myself into him and said " What kind of a star are you?" He gently put his arm around me making me more comfortable and said, " The kind that lies just to be accepted". He took a long pause and said " Bless, it's all a lie, everything between us has been a lie. I'm not Nate, I'm far from Nate. The total opposite actually". I lifted my head and moved away a bit, " I know you aren't Nate. I know that, and I don't want you to be", I replied. His leg started trembling and he said " I stole the letters that you wrote to Nate on the day of the housewarming party at your house. Right after you left the room in tears I wanted to know you and how to help you. I had convinced myself that the only way you could be happy is if you somehow fell in love with someone who made Nate feel like he was still alive. I did everything because Nate did that and I'm tired. I want you to want me for me not because I remind you of him". I immediately stood up and said " You lied to me!? To my face! for an entire year....a whole YEAR!! YOU HAD NO RIGHT, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? GOD PLAYING CHECKERS WITH PEOPLES LIVES? You made me fall inlove with a facade, you took my pain twisted it and used it for your own sick game why?? "
He just stared at me and said nothing. I stomped my way out of the park very fast and I heard him calling my name. When I turned I saw him running up to me and he grabbed my hand and said " I'm sorry, I love you Bless". I moved my hand from his and screamed "SHOW ME WHO YOU ARE!!" Then turned and continued my way home.

When I was younger I used to have a secret place, where I would go and it would be like my safety area. Whenever I was sad or angry or whatever I'd go outside by the washing line and sit on top of the wall and just stare at the stars. Ever since we moved I had been meaning to find a place where I could sit and speak to the stars. For once my parents weren't around, I found a spot by the pool, sat there with my legs inside the water and just stared at the stars. I had no words, I just lit my cigarette up and drifted with my thoughts. All I could think about is the day I first met Nate. I was standing at the corner next to my house with a bunch of girls. He was considered the " bad boy". I bruised his ego a bit because when he got to us all the other girls were eating up all of the words he spoke. I, for one, was bored. A few minutes into the conversation I walked away and, almost immediately, heard footsteps running toward me and suddenly there was a human form next to me. I turned and he said " Hi". He had the most amazing brown eyes, I stared at them for a long time. Then I realised I may have been behaving awkwardly and walked away from him. Early the next, morning he was waiting for me at that corner and he walked me to the bus stop. From that day, we were inseparable. I was hated by almost all the girls who lived in that area, no one could understand why the weird girl got the guy. And yes, I was weird and I was ugly, I hadn't hit puberty yet but he saw me, he loved me. It was so beautiful how everyone would speak so ill of me but I knew Nate, inside and out. In ways no one else will ever know him, and it didn't matter what anyone said or thought.There was something in the cigarette that calmed my thoughts, stopped me from overthinking.

Unfortunately, My mind drifted back to Gabriel. I let him think it was okay to lie to me, he came into my life because I appeared vulnerable and broken. "Ohhh poor little girl is crying because her boyfriend passed away" How pathetic is that? How ridiculous is that? I fell for him but all he did was pity me. When did I start allowing people to see my pain!? Of all days it had to be today. I loved Gabriel from a distance because every time I was in his presence I would always wonder why I even went to see him. It felt like a drag. Truth is I loved Nate more, I loved my pain more. And I wasn't willing to give that up for Gabriel. Gabriel had to know, Gabriel had to see that I wouldn't take his Bullshit.

I stood up, put on my slippers and marched to his house. As I was entering the driveway close to the gate I saw a man coming out of a car and the family ran to him and hugged him. It looked like they hadn't seen him in a long time. But, I couldn't shake the feeling that I knew him from somewhere. I rang the bell and it opened up too slowly for my liking, I walked in, greeted everyone. The man I had seen had gone into one of the other rooms in the house so I didn't get a chance to see his face up close. Gabriel's mother asked me to join them for dinner since her brother was back from prison. I agreed because nobody says no to Black parents. I sat across Gabriel in silence but he could see that I'm fuming. His uncle came in and sat at the table. I couldn't shake the feeling that I knew him from somewhere, halfway through dinner he said something and I remembered the voice of the man who was at Nates when he was killed, his voice was croacky, flat and lacked emotion. I turned to look at him as he spoke. He looked mad and ruthless even when he spoke, He had a scar on his cheek and I remembered from the pictures the Policeman had shown me. He turned and looked at me trying to dismiss my staring. I felt Gabriel stand up and move towards me. I stood up too now shaking, stuttering and crying "You killed Nate, It's you" I bluttered out as I ran out the house. I was breathing heavily, my mind was spinning by the time I got to the gate. I couldn't even think. I become really lightheaded as I tried to open the gate with my hands and suddenly, I felt my body hit the ground. I remembered the voice of the man who was at Nate's when he was killed.